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Land Acknowledgement.
You hear it all the time. People say, "We had a good divorce." Maybe you’ve even heard friends or family members describe their separation in glowing terms. They talk about co-parenting seamlessly, attending the same events for their kids, and even sharing holidays as if everything is perfectly fine. At first glance, it sounds like a dream scenario, doesn't it? But have you ever stopped to wonder if there’s really such a thing as a "good divorce"? You may believe that if you separate amicably, your children won’t suffer. After all, isn’t conflict what hurts them most?
But here’s the truth you may not want to hear: no matter how "good" the divorce seems to be on the surface, the process leaves its mark on your children in ways you might not see at first. You’re told that if you avoid arguments, if you communicate well with your ex, and if you show up together at school functions, your kids will be just fine. But even in these so-called "good divorces," your children are often dealing with challenges you might not fully realize.
When you hear the stories of people who claim their divorce was the best decision for everyone, you might feel reassured. But as you peel back the layers, the reality is more complicated. Divorce is not just the separation of two adults; it’s the unraveling of a child’s entire sense of stability, family, and identity. And even when you believe you’re doing everything right, the experience can leave scars that last a lifetime.
If you’re a parent, you know how much your children crave stability. It’s part of their nature to seek security in their routines, relationships, and home life. They want to feel like the ground beneath their feet won’t shift without warning. But when you divorce, no matter how amicable the process is, that foundation cracks.
Even in a "good divorce," your child faces a harsh reality: the family unit they once relied on has fundamentally changed. For young children especially, this can feel like their entire world has been turned upside down. They may not have the words to express it, but they’re left grappling with questions like: "Why couldn’t Mom and Dad stay together? Did I do something wrong? What happens now?"
You might think that by remaining civil with your ex, by dividing parenting time evenly, and by maintaining an open line of communication, you’re giving your child the best possible version of a separation. But even when you do all of this, your child still has to navigate a life split between two worlds. They now have two homes, two sets of rules, and two parents who no longer love each other in the way they used to. And that reality weighs on them, no matter how much you try to smooth the edges.
Have you ever asked yourself how your child feels about the divorce—not just in the moment, but over time? Research shows that children of divorced parents often experience emotional difficulties, even when their parents get along. You may notice it in subtle ways: a drop in their grades, sudden mood swings, or an increased need for reassurance. Or, they might bury their feelings, trying to "be strong" because they don’t want to make things harder for you.
You might think that your child is resilient—and to some extent, that’s true. Kids are amazing in their ability to adapt. But being resilient doesn’t mean they’re not hurting. Even children who seem to adjust well on the surface often carry a deep sense of loss. For example, your child might not tell you that they miss having both parents together under one roof. They might not share their fears about what the future holds or their anxiety about family events where both parents will be present but no longer united.
Even if your divorce wasn’t messy or filled with conflict, your child may still feel a profound sense of grief. They might mourn the loss of what could have been—a life where their parents stayed together. And as they grow older, these feelings don’t just disappear. They can resurface during milestones like graduations, weddings, or the birth of their own children, when the absence of an intact family becomes even more apparent.
You might believe that it’s not the divorce itself that harms children, but the conflict that often comes with it. And while it’s true that high levels of parental conflict can be damaging, research shows that even in low-conflict divorces, children are affected. It’s easy to assume that if you avoid fighting in front of your kids, they’ll be fine. But what you may not realize is that children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on the tension, the subtle changes in tone, and the unspoken resentments between you and your ex.
In a "good divorce," you might pride yourself on co-parenting effectively and putting your children first. But even in the absence of open conflict, your child knows that something has fundamentally changed. They may feel torn between two parents they love equally, afraid to show favoritism or express their true feelings. They might worry about disappointing you by enjoying their time with your ex or feel guilty about missing the parent they’re not currently with.
What you might not see is the invisible burden this places on your child. They’re navigating a complex emotional landscape, trying to make sense of their new reality while also managing their own feelings of loyalty, guilt, and confusion. And even if you and your ex are on the best of terms, your child is still left with the undeniable truth that their family is no longer whole.
As your child grows, the effects of your divorce may show up in ways you didn’t expect. Studies have consistently shown that children of divorced parents are at a higher risk for a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. You might think that these risks only apply to children from high-conflict divorces, but that’s not the case. Even in low-conflict, "good divorces," children face challenges that can follow them into adulthood.
For example, your child might struggle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, especially if one parent becomes less involved over time. They might have difficulty forming healthy relationships, fearing that love is fragile and impermanent. Or, they might internalize the idea that divorce is inevitable, carrying that belief into their own romantic relationships.
You might think that your child will outgrow these challenges, but the truth is that the effects of divorce can linger well into adulthood. Research has shown that adult children of divorced parents are more likely to experience trust issues, struggle with intimacy, and even face higher rates of divorce in their own marriages. So while your child might seem "fine" on the surface, the emotional impact of your divorce could shape their outlook on life for years to come.
As a parent, you want to do everything you can to protect your child from the pain of divorce. And while it’s impossible to shield them completely, there are steps you can take to minimize the impact. Providing stability is one of the most important things you can do. This means maintaining consistent routines, being present in their lives, and showing them that your love for them hasn’t changed.
You also need to be mindful of how you handle your co-parenting relationship. Even if you and your ex get along, it’s important to set clear boundaries and avoid putting your child in the middle. Your child shouldn’t feel like they have to choose sides or act as a messenger between you and your ex. And no matter how tempting it might be, avoid speaking negatively about your ex in front of your child. Remember, your child loves both of you, and hearing you criticize the other parent can be deeply upsetting.
Most importantly, don’t underestimate the value of open communication. Encourage your child to share their feelings, even if those feelings are difficult to hear. Let them know that it’s okay to be sad, angry, or confused about the divorce. And if needed, consider seeking professional support. Therapy can be a valuable tool in helping your child process their emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
So, is there really such a thing as a "good divorce"? The answer isn’t as simple as you might think. While it’s certainly better to avoid high-conflict, hostile separations, even the most amicable divorces come with challenges. Your child’s experience of divorce is shaped by more than just how well you and your ex get along. It’s influenced by their age, personality, and individual circumstances, as well as the level of support and stability you provide.
What you need to remember is that your child didn’t choose this path—you did. And while you might believe that you’re doing what’s best for everyone involved, it’s important to acknowledge the impact your decision has on your child’s life. There’s no way to make divorce painless, but by being honest about its effects, you can take steps to support your child through the process.
Ultimately, the myth of a "good divorce" isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about recognizing the complexities of divorce and committing to being the best parent you can be, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Because while you can’t undo the challenges your child will face, you can give them the love, stability, and support they need to thrive.
You hear it all the time. People say, "We had a good divorce." Maybe you’ve even heard friends or family members describe their separation in glowing terms. They talk about co-parenting seamlessly, attending the same events for their kids, and even sharing holidays as if everything is perfectly fine. At first glance, it sounds like a dream scenario, doesn't it? But have you ever stopped to wonder if there’s really such a thing as a "good divorce"? You may believe that if you separate amicably, your children won’t suffer. After all, isn’t conflict what hurts them most?
But here’s the truth you may not want to hear: no matter how "good" the divorce seems to be on the surface, the process leaves its mark on your children in ways you might not see at first. You’re told that if you avoid arguments, if you communicate well with your ex, and if you show up together at school functions, your kids will be just fine. But even in these so-called "good divorces," your children are often dealing with challenges you might not fully realize.
When you hear the stories of people who claim their divorce was the best decision for everyone, you might feel reassured. But as you peel back the layers, the reality is more complicated. Divorce is not just the separation of two adults; it’s the unraveling of a child’s entire sense of stability, family, and identity. And even when you believe you’re doing everything right, the experience can leave scars that last a lifetime.
If you’re a parent, you know how much your children crave stability. It’s part of their nature to seek security in their routines, relationships, and home life. They want to feel like the ground beneath their feet won’t shift without warning. But when you divorce, no matter how amicable the process is, that foundation cracks.
Even in a "good divorce," your child faces a harsh reality: the family unit they once relied on has fundamentally changed. For young children especially, this can feel like their entire world has been turned upside down. They may not have the words to express it, but they’re left grappling with questions like: "Why couldn’t Mom and Dad stay together? Did I do something wrong? What happens now?"
You might think that by remaining civil with your ex, by dividing parenting time evenly, and by maintaining an open line of communication, you’re giving your child the best possible version of a separation. But even when you do all of this, your child still has to navigate a life split between two worlds. They now have two homes, two sets of rules, and two parents who no longer love each other in the way they used to. And that reality weighs on them, no matter how much you try to smooth the edges.
Have you ever asked yourself how your child feels about the divorce—not just in the moment, but over time? Research shows that children of divorced parents often experience emotional difficulties, even when their parents get along. You may notice it in subtle ways: a drop in their grades, sudden mood swings, or an increased need for reassurance. Or, they might bury their feelings, trying to "be strong" because they don’t want to make things harder for you.
You might think that your child is resilient—and to some extent, that’s true. Kids are amazing in their ability to adapt. But being resilient doesn’t mean they’re not hurting. Even children who seem to adjust well on the surface often carry a deep sense of loss. For example, your child might not tell you that they miss having both parents together under one roof. They might not share their fears about what the future holds or their anxiety about family events where both parents will be present but no longer united.
Even if your divorce wasn’t messy or filled with conflict, your child may still feel a profound sense of grief. They might mourn the loss of what could have been—a life where their parents stayed together. And as they grow older, these feelings don’t just disappear. They can resurface during milestones like graduations, weddings, or the birth of their own children, when the absence of an intact family becomes even more apparent.
You might believe that it’s not the divorce itself that harms children, but the conflict that often comes with it. And while it’s true that high levels of parental conflict can be damaging, research shows that even in low-conflict divorces, children are affected. It’s easy to assume that if you avoid fighting in front of your kids, they’ll be fine. But what you may not realize is that children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on the tension, the subtle changes in tone, and the unspoken resentments between you and your ex.
In a "good divorce," you might pride yourself on co-parenting effectively and putting your children first. But even in the absence of open conflict, your child knows that something has fundamentally changed. They may feel torn between two parents they love equally, afraid to show favoritism or express their true feelings. They might worry about disappointing you by enjoying their time with your ex or feel guilty about missing the parent they’re not currently with.
What you might not see is the invisible burden this places on your child. They’re navigating a complex emotional landscape, trying to make sense of their new reality while also managing their own feelings of loyalty, guilt, and confusion. And even if you and your ex are on the best of terms, your child is still left with the undeniable truth that their family is no longer whole.
As your child grows, the effects of your divorce may show up in ways you didn’t expect. Studies have consistently shown that children of divorced parents are at a higher risk for a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. You might think that these risks only apply to children from high-conflict divorces, but that’s not the case. Even in low-conflict, "good divorces," children face challenges that can follow them into adulthood.
For example, your child might struggle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, especially if one parent becomes less involved over time. They might have difficulty forming healthy relationships, fearing that love is fragile and impermanent. Or, they might internalize the idea that divorce is inevitable, carrying that belief into their own romantic relationships.
You might think that your child will outgrow these challenges, but the truth is that the effects of divorce can linger well into adulthood. Research has shown that adult children of divorced parents are more likely to experience trust issues, struggle with intimacy, and even face higher rates of divorce in their own marriages. So while your child might seem "fine" on the surface, the emotional impact of your divorce could shape their outlook on life for years to come.
As a parent, you want to do everything you can to protect your child from the pain of divorce. And while it’s impossible to shield them completely, there are steps you can take to minimize the impact. Providing stability is one of the most important things you can do. This means maintaining consistent routines, being present in their lives, and showing them that your love for them hasn’t changed.
You also need to be mindful of how you handle your co-parenting relationship. Even if you and your ex get along, it’s important to set clear boundaries and avoid putting your child in the middle. Your child shouldn’t feel like they have to choose sides or act as a messenger between you and your ex. And no matter how tempting it might be, avoid speaking negatively about your ex in front of your child. Remember, your child loves both of you, and hearing you criticize the other parent can be deeply upsetting.
Most importantly, don’t underestimate the value of open communication. Encourage your child to share their feelings, even if those feelings are difficult to hear. Let them know that it’s okay to be sad, angry, or confused about the divorce. And if needed, consider seeking professional support. Therapy can be a valuable tool in helping your child process their emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
So, is there really such a thing as a "good divorce"? The answer isn’t as simple as you might think. While it’s certainly better to avoid high-conflict, hostile separations, even the most amicable divorces come with challenges. Your child’s experience of divorce is shaped by more than just how well you and your ex get along. It’s influenced by their age, personality, and individual circumstances, as well as the level of support and stability you provide.
What you need to remember is that your child didn’t choose this path—you did. And while you might believe that you’re doing what’s best for everyone involved, it’s important to acknowledge the impact your decision has on your child’s life. There’s no way to make divorce painless, but by being honest about its effects, you can take steps to support your child through the process.
Ultimately, the myth of a "good divorce" isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about recognizing the complexities of divorce and committing to being the best parent you can be, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Because while you can’t undo the challenges your child will face, you can give them the love, stability, and support they need to thrive.
We’ll figure it out together.